The catalyst for this change however comes in the form of our beloved Facebook. That girl I mentioned last week? She just won’t go away. She has been posting on his Facebook page like it’s her full time job. It was infuriating. It made me sick. How could she do that? How could she throw herself at him like that? And how could he let her?? As silly as it sounds to complain about Facebook, I’m well aware that Facebook is the tip of the iceberg. What I see posted, is only a small portion of what is really going on under the water. But the more I thought about it last night, the more I realized that I have this all wrong. It’s not her I need to be mad at. It’s him. Why do I think so little of myself that I’m waiting for someone who is okay with the pain he’s causing me? Where has my self-respect gone?? If I were looking in on my situation, I would want to shake some sense into me (as I know many of you have wanted to do!). I gave him everything, and in return, he left. He left to see what else is out there. For the past few months I have bought that excuse. But I don’t anymore. Because I could never be with someone again who could so easily cause me so much pain. Without saying the words, he told me I’m not good enough, and he wants to see if he can do better. Up to this point he has insisted we remain close. And I’ve accepted that, and used it as a crutch (I seem to need a lot of those lately… it’s a good thing I’m finally working out again and getting stronger… I won’t need any of these crutches much longer ;-). A friend tried to tell me that he only kept me in his life for his own benefit, to ease his own mind, and I finally have found the truth in her words.
So I’m closing the book. I’m closing it because I don’t deserve this sad story anymore. I’m closing this book so I can finally move on with my own life. I’m closing it because I finally realized that I’m the only one fighting this fight. And it’s exhausting. And I’m tired. I’m going to spend my new found energy building back up my self-respect. Because I’m awesome. And because I have far too much to give and I’m done settling for less than I deserve.